Ben Ralston

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Sep 15 2011

Why I left Bangkok… part 3: “Tread softly, and with joy.”

After my unwitting incursion into the world of child prostitution – part 1 – and my adventures with amphetamine crazed truck drivers and Thai gangsters  – part 2 – I was feeling pretty lost.

I’d been traveling alone for about a month and I was lonely.
One day I was driving through town on my motorbike and I started to feel ill again. The fever wasn’t quite gone yet. I pulled over to the side of the road and found myself sitting at a table outside a small bar. I ordered a drink and before it arrived I realized I was outside some kind of brothel.
There were about 5 or 6 girls in the bar, lounging around and leaning over a couple of Dutch sailors.
The sailors were about 50 years old, heavily tattooed. I really wish I could remember my conversation with them because it was both hilarious and very interesting.


The expression on their faces (and the faces of all the men I saw in that bar) stay with me though. They were like young men ‘on the pull’ – that strange kind of desperate intensity in their eyes (sexual desire) and a kind of assumed (false) arrogance. They were trying to look confident and self-assured. In short: they wanted to be found attractive. I recall finding this very amusing: they were in a brothel. They knew they only had to pay for what they wanted, and yet they still went through the suffering of the ‘chase’.
The girls were an interesting bunch…
There was Jo-Jo: a very young, extremely sexually precocious girl who was clearly interested in making as much money as fast as possible.
There was a tall, beautiful but strange-looking girl. Later, I found out that she was a transsexual. I don’t know if it’s politically correct to say ‘a transexual’, but that’s what she was: a boy, pretending to be a girl. I also don’t know if it’s p.c. to say ‘pretending’, but that’s what s/he was doing, to be honest. ‘Her’ name was Sumalee. She was very sweet. I liked her a lot. When I came to the bar a few weeks later to say goodbye to them all, she went upstairs and came back with a beautiful silver necklace which she gave to me, tearfully.

A silver necklace exactly like this one.
The Thais have an incredibly generous heart…
There was also ‘Miaow’. She was quiet, and sad looking, and beautiful in a mysterious, sulky kind of a way. I remember thinking that she probably didn’t make much money like that…
I visited the bar again the next day – it was far more interesting than any of the temples I’d seen.
The girls all ‘flirted’ with me of course, and I played along. I had no intention of hiring their services, but I was enjoying the fun and games too much to spoil things. I was sat there, the only guy there at the time (unless you count Sumalee!), surrounded by laughing and joking girls. At one point Sumalee asked me if I was going to make one of the girls ‘happy’. So I had to explain that I had no interest in paying for sex. I’ve never understood how someone can pay for sex. To me sex is about intimacy, and you can’t buy intimacy, can you? They all looked disappointed, apart from Miaow, who looked at me somehow differently after that…
They invited me out with them to a nightclub that evening, and I happily accepted.
I only remember that the music in the club was awful, and that we all got pretty drunk. Sumalee tried to seduce me, and I ended up going home with Miaow.
She came up to very nervously and asked me if I’d like to spend the night with her. I told her that I’d love to more than anything else in the world, but that I just couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex. She looked a bit pissed off, and just said:
“No money, just night together.”
That’s how my time with Miaow began.
We spent the night together in her tiny room, and she was incredibly shy for a prostitute. We didn’t sleep much. We had sex, and talked a lot. She was very gentle, shy, and kind.
After we slept a little she told me she had to go to work. I didn’t like it, but what could I do? When I asked her not to go she impatiently snapped:
“No worry. I no go with man”.
Then she left, and I was alone again.
Later that day, when I saw her, she asked me if I would like to spend some time together. I said yes. So she told her boss that she was taking time off work, and we spent the next two weeks together.
Miaow had a small, brand-new, beautiful motorbike. A guy she had met from New Zealand had bought it for her.
She was very smart. She didn’t sleep with anyone who came to the bar unless she liked them. The other girls sold themselves to anyone, and made some money. But Miaow would choose clients very, very carefully, she told me. She told me that she was lucky to have a boss who allowed her to work like that. Not only did she have a beautiful motorbike, but she also received money every month from various former ‘clients’ around the world. When I asked her why she worked like that, she told me she had a son, and asked me if I’d like to meet him. I said yes.
It wasn’t easy. We were both young (I was 21 but oh so immature for my age). Miaow was a little older but didn’t speak very good English. There were jealous arguments and misunderstandings.
She took me to the Chiang Mai night market, where we ate the best food I’ve ever tasted in my life for the equivalent of a few pennies. She chatted animatedly to the locals, and I felt like the luckiest person in the universe. I was sitting there experiencing life on another planet as if I belonged…
After a few days, we drove on her motorbike to her hometown, in the rural Northern midlands of Thailand. She let me drive, and I remember her suddenly making me pull over, and then screaming at me for a while by the side of the highway. I had no idea what was wrong. Finally she told me in English:
“You too fast”.
When we set off again, she whispered in my ear:
“Every girl want feel safe”.
When we drove into her hometown, everyone stopped and stared. Groups of children ran alongside the motorbike. They’d never seen a Falang (foreigner) before.
The houses were small, wooden, raised above the earth on stilts.
We stayed there with her Grandmother and son. Grandma had no teeth, and just smiled at me all the time, non-stop. She raised Miaow’s boy. His Father had been an abusive alcoholic, and Miaow had left him years ago. The little boy had a few teeth more than his Grandmother and that’s all I remember about him.
While we were there it was my birthday. There was a huge celebration and people came with gifts – bottles of whiskey, a watch, and various dishes that they’d prepared. It was a feast. We all sat on the ground around a sheet spread out underneath countless delicious Thai treats. They laughed and sang. I remember feeling incredibly humble. I was wealthy compared to these people, and yet they gave me these relatively expensive gifts… I was confused by my feelings. Why was I made so uncomfortable by their generosity? Looking back, I know why:
It wasn’t just their gifts that made me uncomfortable. It was their generosity of spirit. They gave me some things, yes. But they gave me all of their attention. They were totally present. I’d never met anyone in my life that wasn’t in two places at once. I certainly didn’t know how to be so present – even at my own birthday party.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that meal under a perfectly dark, star-filled night, was the first of my two great lessons in what wealth really is. (Read the last paragraph of this post for the second lesson).
I also remember the local policeman. He sat all day outside his shack, whiskey bottle in hand. Miaow told me that’s all he did: drink, and accept bribes.
It was 17 years ago. I was young; arrogant; naïve; foolish; immature; irresponsible; selfish. I stepped into worlds that were completely alien to me. I trampled through them carelessly. Thum once told me that he could hear me coming a mile away. My footsteps were heavy. He said that the Thais have a saying:
“Tread softly, and with joy”
I’ve thought about that saying many times over the years.
When the time came for me to leave Thailand, Miaow drove me to the bus stop. I would be getting a bus and then a flight home halfway around the world. She would be going straight back to work.
It was a strange moment, saying goodbye. We’d perhaps both used each other, and there was a total lack of sentimentality on her part. We kissed briefly and awkwardly, and I told her I’d write. She didn’t look impressed. I felt guilty.
I did write, once. She wrote back. Her written English was so bad that I could barely understand anything. I felt very, very sad getting that letter.

She told me that her real name wasn’t Miaow. It was Surya.
I hadn’t even suspected.
I’ve thought many times over the years of trying to track her down, but what would I do? I like to think that she probably achieved what she hoped to achieve: met a kind older man who whisked her and her boy away and gave them a life of material security. She was smart enough to achieve that. She deserves at least as much.
Wherever she is, I hope she’s happy and feels safe.




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Written by Ben Ralston · Categorized: abundance, attention, awareness, personal anecdote, Uncategorized

Aug 10 2011

London is burning. (Here’s why).

Photograph: Kerim Okten/EPA

I spent 14 years living in London. I lived in Tottenham—North London—where this past weekend’s rioting started, and Hackney, where it continues. I didn’t live in Peckham, Lewisham, Croydon or Brixton—South London—where more rioting has since broken out.
The violence has not only been rife throughout London—on a 30 mile radius—but also throughout England. The cities and counties of Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Bristol and Nottinghamshire have all seen hundreds of people rampaging through streets destroying property and looting.
There are reports of scores of injured police; many shops have been looted; bins, cars, buses, shops and residences have been set alight.
London is burning.


My job was to take a group of up to 15 young people (aged 16 – 25) and help them to turn their lives around. These were young people who had fallen through society’s ‘net’. I worked with drug addicts, prison leavers and pregnant teenage girls. I was alone with this group of 15. There was no funding for the assistant that I was supposed to have.When I moved out of London seven years ago, I worked for one year as a youth worker in Watford (a large town in the suburbs of London), and what I learnt in that year astounded me…
I could tell you some horror stories. But not now.
Now, all I want to say is this: look at what’s happening. The thin veneer of our ‘civilized’ society is torn back, and all the world is able to see what lurks beneath. Anarchy.
Why? Today’s youth have been betrayed.
The work I did that year was ridiculously under-funded. I once told my manager that I was reluctant to take a certain boy on a week-long field trip because I feared for the safety of the girls in the group (this boy had recently come out of prison: convicted of stabbing a man in the chest). My manager told me I had to take him. The reason: every ‘YP’ (young person) that I took meant extra funding for the course. We couldn’t survive without it.
My fears were later justified when I was forced to send him home early—he pulled a knife on me.
A few years previous to that, I had voted (along with most of the country) Tony Blair into power as Prime Minister. Why had I voted for him? These three words of his:
“Education, education, education”.
A few years later lack of funding in the education system almost cost me my life: the country had enough money to carry out an illegal, unnecessary and unwanted war in Iraq, but apparently not enough to take care of its own young.
On the news today I’ve seen various politicians talking about ‘criminality’ and ‘gratuitous violence‘. One police chief, when asked what was the cause of the rioting, said that it was just ‘kids looking for some excitement in the summer holidays’.
What hope is there for a better future when the people whose responsibility it is (and who have the power) for making these things better have absolutely no clue as to what is causing the problem in the first place? Or don’t care…
I believe that Western capitalist democracies are a disaster. I believe that what we’ve seen over this last weekend in England, and especially London, is the tip of the iceberg. I urge you to pay attention (most of your attention, not just some of it) to your children, and to the children in your communities. They are the future, plain and simple.
At the moment, the future is not bright.
Please leave a comment. What do you think is the cause of the explosion of violence we’ve witnessed in the UK this last weekend?
Please also share: Tweet, ‘like’, Stumble it up. Thank you.

Written by Ben Ralston · Categorized: anger, attention, chaos, Uncategorized, Youth work

Jul 01 2011

Why conspiracty theorists love to theorize about conspiracies

Yesterday morning I promoted (via the Elephant Journal Facebook page) Harris Mercer’s article ‘Why it’s wrong to doubt the news about Osama’. In case you haven’t read it, it’s an opinion piece.
Within minutes of the post the FB page received dozens of angry comments.
I realized two things: not only do conspiracy theorists love to theorize about conspiracies (which was the provocative title of my facebook post), but they don’t like to be called out on it…
I’ve thought a lot about this before, because I have a friend who loves to think (fantasize?) about this stuff. He spent many, many hours ‘researching’ over the Internet, and is firmly convinced that the world will end in 2012. He has invested not only a lot of time, but also a lot of money, into what he sees as precautionary measures to ensure his survival thereafter.
This is the conclusion I have reached:

It’s just another kind of addiction…

…up there along with shopping, pornography, video games, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, etc. Most people are addicted to something. We like to fuel our addictions to distract ourselves from the real issues that would otherwise (we fear) burn a hole in our mind – why am I not deeply happy? Why do I not do what I love? Why do I not relish this life, and live the life of my dreams?
For the record, I personally believe that there was something a bit ‘fishy’ about 9/11. I also believe that Osama probably isn’t dead! The greatest intelligence asset in the world, ever? Shoot him in the eye!
But hey, I don’t want to fuel any more conspiracy theories because I don’t want you to waste (too much) of your precious time thinking about them.
What I’d really like you to do is address the deeper questions. Are you deeply happy? Do you feel successful? Are you living the life you dreamt of when you were a child?

This is important.

It’s not important whether Osama planned 9/11; it’s not important whether he lived in a cave in Bora Bora or a mansion in Pakistan; it’s not important whether he’s alive or dead. It’s not important, compared to the simple question “Am I happy?”
You see, the world is full of unhappy people who pretend to be happy whilst pulling on their cigarettes; or plugging into the ‘net to research conspiracy theories; or going out at the weekend to get drunk, trying to forget about Monday looming up ahead, and the job that they dread.
So forget about Osama. If he’s not dead he soon will be, and we’ll never know the truth anyway.
Focus on yourself. “Be a light unto thyself”. You have the potential to be and do exactly what you would most love to be and do. When you get there, you’ll be a beacon of light in this dark world, and the more light we all bring, the more shadows we disperse.
Deep down we all want truth, justice, freedom, and peace. The only way is to find them within.

Written by Ben Ralston · Categorized: attention, awareness, freedom, Happiness, personal development, Uncategorized

May 12 2010

TRUST

Dear friends, the other day I wrote this post on my Prem Center facebook page: “When we TRUST the world around us, we align ourselves with the natural order. We experience abundance! But when we WORRY, we hold on, and become tense, blocking that natural flow of abundance. Let go. Don’t worry. You have always had everything you needed, and always will. Trust, and be truly joyful”

And an old friend of mine from L.A. asked a great question.  I always love questions(especially such good ones as this!) because it opens up a channel of communication from which not only the two of us learn, but also anyone else who is listening. This is how we can grow and evolve: IN RELATIONSHIP. To me that is what questions and answers are – communication; relationship.
So, here is my friend Joyce’s question:
” what do you mean by “natural order”? i’m asking because i (think) i understand what you mean but then, upon reflection- i’m not quite sure what ‘natural order’ means beyond being born (been there done, that) and dying (eventually, hopefully a ways off)… i’m being simplistic but i really am curious about understanding what you mean by this… moreover, can a ‘natural order’ be pursued in an environment immersed in industry, consumerism, and avarice? a place, like say… los angeles? i think it’s possible, but it feels like a struggle at times…”

The theme of my original post (the one quoted above) was about  Trust versus Worry. For me, the natural order is what every animal, vegetable and mineral experiences… faith. It is a silent knowing, a deep trusting – that everything in life is just as it is meant to be. Even when things go ‘wrong’, there is always a reason. We may not immediately know what that reason is, but we can always look back later and say, “aha, that experience had a positive effect”.
In English, we have the saying: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
And one of my favourite singers, Beth Orton, has the wonderful lyric: “regrets are just lessons you haven’t learnt yet”…








Whatever we think, however we judge a situation, there is always a bigger picture – much bigger than our thoughts and judgements. In fact, if we look at it scientifically, where do thoughts and judgements come from? They come from the frontal cortex part of our brain – the part of our brain that is unique to adult humans. It is very useful, helping us to use language, and analyse the world around us. Without it we wouldn’t have flown to the moon or even invented the wheel. But it is also the part of us that WORRIES. Worry is fear in disguise. Not a very good disguise either. If you worry a lot, it’s because you are afraid. Thoughts, judgemtents, worries, fear – it’s all in the head.

So if fear and worry is in the head, where is trust? It’s in the body. Trust is in the natural movements of the body: walking, dancing, jumping. It’s in the breath, and the rhythmical expansion and contraction of the lungs. It’s in the flow of blood and energy throughout the body, and the involuntary processes of the internal organs and the digestion.
When you eat a meal, you put the food into your mouth, and then what? Do you have to worry about the food after that? No! The stomach does it’s job, the intestines do theirs, and finally…! It all happens naturally, spontaneously, and  without the need for our attention.
In the same way, the universe and the earth do what they need to do: the planets stay in their orbits, the sun keeps on shining, and the earth keeps up just enough gravity for us to stay here where we belong. Trees give us all the oxygen we need; rains give us all the water we need; there is an abundance of food – more than enough to feed every person on the planet. 
So why then do we worry so much?

I’ll tell you why:
Because our society has lost touch with: guess what?
Yes, THE NATURAL ORDER. We have entered into a battle with nature, trying to manipulate and control, instead of simply trusting. We are afraid that if we let go, something terrible will happen – a new disease, or an earthquake, or a volcano.
And guess what? These things DO happen – it’s just part of life. But honestly, when did any of these things last affect you, and how often does that happen? And more importantly, did worrying about anything ever affect a more positive outcome!

So trust! Trust that you will have everything you need. Trust that no matter what happens, there is always a reason. Trust that  “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.
Let your awareness come down, out of your head, and into your body.
The natural order for human beings is this: our energy enters our body in and below the solar plexus. (There is a wisdom there that is ancient, from long before we were human: it is something instinctive and faithful.) That energy flows into our solar plexus, and up, through the heart (our emotional center) and from there into the brain. Our brain is a computer that sorts out the message from the solar plexus and then organizes the necessary action: the brain is like a secretary. It organizes and it gets things done. But the boss, the manager, the chairman, is deeper down – in the solar plexus. Most people let the secretary make all the decisions – and guess what: the secretary isn’t good at that, it’s not his job, and so he gets stressed. That stress accumulates, and if you’re not careful, it leads to all kinds of problems, like depression and disease.
On the other hand, if you bring your awareness down into the body; focus on feeling more. On being more real, more here, more present. Being aware of the ground beneath your feet, the air in your nostrils, the sounds around you, the life in your body. If you do that, life becomes more joyful – because it’s the way we are meant to be: it’s in alignment with the natural order.

It’s not easy – because we’ve been conditioned by our society to do the opposite (at school, by our parents, by television, media, advertising, etc). But with practice you gradually eliminate worry, and cultivate a feeling of trust.  That trust leads to respect, and that respect leads to love. For oneself, for others, and for the world around us.

What could be more natural than that?

To answer the second part of the question: yes it is possible to live in trust and love surrounded by industry and consumerism and avarice (greed). But it’s REALLY HARD. I think it’s essential to get out of town regularly, back to nature. Like, preferably every day. That’s why I moved to the countryside – and I have to say I could never go back…

Written by Ben Ralston · Categorized: abundance, attention, love, relationship, stress, Trust, Uncategorized

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