Trust Archives • Ben Ralston

2 years ago today, my Father died.

I don’t like looking back – I too much enjoy being present to this momentary NOW, and it took me a long time to get here!

But sometimes it’s necessary to acknowledge (to recognize and to accept) that part of the present is our connection with the past. Sometimes it’s necessary to look back and reflect upon where we came from. Today feels like one of those times…

My Old Man died of a rare neurological disease called Motor Neurone Disease (or ALS if you’re American, or sometimes it’s known as Lou Gehrig’s disease – that’s how rare it is: no one can agree what to call it!)

It’s a particularly bad disease to get (in case you’re planning on getting a disease) because it’s basically a slow burning death sentence. Bit by bit, the body stops working. And the medical establishments have no idea what causes it, and less idea what to do about it.

My Dad’s disease first showed up in his throat – one day his speech started slurring. He told me about a phone call he’d had from an old work colleague – who asked him if he’d been drinking. He wasn’t a big drinker – actually, he was one of the most sober people you could ever meet. So this old work colleague was surprised! But he hadn’t been drinking. It’s just that his vocal chords were wasting away.

In the end, his body packed in completely. I had a phone call one day from my Mother – if I wanted to see him again while he was still alive I should come home soon. So I got on a plane the next day, and spent the weekend with him. It was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen in my life – the man who when I was a child, seemed super-human; my hero, reduced to a skeletal ‘bag of bones’.

I’ve seen footage of the American G.I.’s who liberated the Nazi concentration camps, and they were crying like babies: those men who’d fought their way through the second world war, openly crying their eyes out at the sight of the camp prisoners. That’s how I felt. But this was a man I knew. My Father.

I spent the weekend with him. He couldn’t speak, so there wasn’t much communication. He couldn’t even hold eye contact, because his neck muscles couldn’t support the weight of his head. He was very weak. But when the time came for me to leave, he made a huge effort to sit up, and we hugged. I whispered in his ear,

“I love you Pops”.

He looked at me for a long moment, and gave me a ‘gesture’, like a nod, that I’ll never forget. That simple gesture expressed all at once encouragement, love, and respect. And in his eyes I saw that he was at peace.

We both knew, He and I, that we would never see each other again.

Seeing the peace in his eyes that day was one of the most beautiful moments of my life!

The saddest and most beautiful moments of my life, in one weekend. What a rollercoaster ride!

Why was that moment beautiful? Because for years he’d been fighting with life. He was quite a fighter too – he would fight on and on until the bitter end (which is exactly what he did then), and never admit defeat. There were only two choices for him – victory or defeat, success or failure.

In life, he couldn’t see another way – it was only in the manner of his death that he knew peace and acceptance.

I’d been trying for years to get him to see that sometimes we have to accept life on it’s own terms. Sometimes we have to bow down to a higher power: god; destiny; spirit; a deeper wisdom – call it what you will. Sometimes, LIFE has plans for us, and the only way to be happy and healthy is to YIELD to those plans. To ‘go with the flow’.

I’d been trying for years, and of course my trying mirrored his fighting! My Father’s son! So the more I tried, the more he fought, and the more frustrated I became. And we grew apart a little…

But in that moment, when he looked into my eyes and I saw that serenity, peace, acceptance… in that moment he taught me what I had been trying all along, in my vanity and ego, to teach him!

It’s not easy – to surrender control. To surrender. But it’s so important. I believe that the disease my Father had (Motor Neurone / ALS / Lou Gehrig’s disease) is caused by that refusal to surrender. I believe that it probably happens mostly to people who want to CONTROL life, and can’t stand to admit defeat.

(I would love to have the opportunity to work with someone who has MND – I’m a healer – to see if I’m right: to see if I can heal them. If you know anyone who has it, and has the courage to fight it in an alternative way, to try something new, point them in my direction please.)

Nothing is incurable if you know the cause.

So here’s my tribute to my Father: my first hero, and a wonderful man. He taught me in life the importance of honesty and integrity; and in his death he taught me the importance of surrender and acceptance. What a great teacher!

He died two years ago today, but he lives on in my heart.

If you enjoyed this post, you might particularly like this – the story of what happened after I hugged him goodbye, got in a taxi, and went to the airport. The story of the longest, hardest day of my life, and probably also the single biggest lesson I ever learnt.

Before you go, please spread the love – share via FB, Tweet, Stumbleupon, etc… and leave a comment.

Dear friends, the other day I wrote this post on my Prem Center facebook page: “When we TRUST the world around us, we align ourselves with the natural order. We experience abundance! But when we WORRY, we hold on, and become tense, blocking that natural flow of abundance. Let go. Don’t worry. You have always had everything you needed, and always will. Trust, and be truly joyful”

And an old friend of mine from L.A. asked a great question. I always love questions(especially such good ones as this!) because it opens up a channel of communication from which not only the two of us learn, but also anyone else who is listening. This is how we can grow and evolve: IN RELATIONSHIP. To me that is what questions and answers are – communication; relationship.
So, here is my friend Joyce’s question: ” what do you mean by “natural order”? i’m asking because i (think) i understand what you mean but then, upon reflection- i’m not quite sure what ‘natural order’ means beyond being born (been there done, that) and dying (eventually, hopefully a ways off)… i’m being simplistic but i really am curious about understanding what you mean by this… moreover, can a ‘natural order’ be pursued in an environment immersed in industry, consumerism, and avarice? a place, like say… los angeles? i think it’s possible, but it feels like a struggle at times…”

The theme of my original post (the one quoted above) was about Trust versus Worry. For me, the natural order is what every animal, vegetable and mineral experiences… faith. It is a silent knowing, a deep trusting – that everything in life is just as it is meant to be. Even when things go ‘wrong’, there is always a reason. We may not immediately know what that reason is, but we can always look back later and say, “aha, that experience had a positive effect”.
In English, we have the saying: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
And one of my favourite singers, Beth Orton, has the wonderful lyric: “regrets are just lessons you haven’t learnt yet”…

Whatever we think, however we judge a situation, there is always a bigger picture – much bigger than our thoughts and judgements. In fact, if we look at it scientifically, where do thoughts and judgements come from? They come from the frontal cortex part of our brain – the part of our brain that is unique to adult humans. It is very useful, helping us to use language, and analyse the world around us. Without it we wouldn’t have flown to the moon or even invented the wheel. But it is also the part of us that WORRIES. Worry is fear in disguise. Not a very good disguise either. If you worry a lot, it’s because you are afraid. Thoughts, judgemtents, worries, fear – it’s all in the head.

So if fear and worry is in the head, where is trust? It’s in the body. Trust is in the natural movements of the body: walking, dancing, jumping. It’s in the breath, and the rhythmical expansion and contraction of the lungs. It’s in the flow of blood and energy throughout the body, and the involuntary processes of the internal organs and the digestion.
When you eat a meal, you put the food into your mouth, and then what? Do you have to worry about the food after that? No! The stomach does it’s job, the intestines do theirs, and finally…! It all happens naturally, spontaneously, and without the need for our attention.
In the same way, the universe and the earth do what they need to do: the planets stay in their orbits, the sun keeps on shining, and the earth keeps up just enough gravity for us to stay here where we belong. Trees give us all the oxygen we need; rains give us all the water we need; there is an abundance of food – more than enough to feed every person on the planet. So why then do we worry so much?

I’ll tell you why:
Because our society has lost touch with: guess what?
Yes, THE NATURAL ORDER. We have entered into a battle with nature, trying to manipulate and control, instead of simply trusting. We are afraid that if we let go, something terrible will happen – a new disease, or an earthquake, or a volcano.
And guess what? These things DO happen – it’s just part of life. But honestly, when did any of these things last affect you, and how often does that happen? And more importantly, did worrying about anything ever affect a more positive outcome!

So trust! Trust that you will have everything you need. Trust that no matter what happens, there is always a reason. Trust that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.
Let your awareness come down, out of your head, and into your body.
The natural order for human beings is this: our energy enters our body in and below the solar plexus. (There is a wisdom there that is ancient, from long before we were human: it is something instinctive and faithful.) That energy flows into our solar plexus, and up, through the heart (our emotional center) and from there into the brain. Our brain is a computer that sorts out the message from the solar plexus and then organizes the necessary action: the brain is like a secretary. It organizes and it gets things done. But the boss, the manager, the chairman, is deeper down – in the solar plexus. Most people let the secretary make all the decisions – and guess what: the secretary isn’t good at that, it’s not his job, and so he gets stressed. That stress accumulates, and if you’re not careful, it leads to all kinds of problems, like depression and disease. On the other hand, if you bring your awareness down into the body; focus on feeling more. On being more real, more here, more present. Being aware of the ground beneath your feet, the air in your nostrils, the sounds around you, the life in your body. If you do that, life becomes more joyful – because it’s the way we are meant to be: it’s in alignment with the natural order.

It’s not easy – because we’ve been conditioned by our society to do the opposite (at school, by our parents, by television, media, advertising, etc). But with practice you gradually eliminate worry, and cultivate a feeling of trust. That trust leads to respect, and that respect leads to love. For oneself, for others, and for the world around us.

What could be more natural than that?

To answer the second part of the question: yes it is possible to live in trust and love surrounded by industry and consumerism and avarice (greed). But it’s REALLY HARD. I think it’s essential to get out of town regularly, back to nature. Like, preferably every day. That’s why I moved to the countryside – and I have to say I could never go back…