Ben Ralston

The latest Yoga scandal? Or prefer to read about Truth?

30 or so years ago I lied to my Father and he caught me out. I remember being afraid, and tensing up in anticipation of a whack or a stern rebuke. But there was just a very long pause, a pause that felt like falling, falling through space – no roots, nothing to ground me. Then he warmly and simply said:

“There’s nothing I despise more than a lie”.

He looked at me kindly and left it at that.
He wasn’t always such a magnificent teacher, but that day, he nailed it.
I’ve spent my whole life since searching for Truth.
At school I sat in countless classrooms watching the parade of old men whose life-blood slipped away while they bullshitted themselves (and each other, and my parents) that they were teaching anything worthwhile. There was no truth to be found there.
On the television endless advertisements, people with too-white teeth and too-wide smiles, trying to persuade me that they were honest and good and that I needed what they were selling. No truth there.
On the streets and in the shops and buses and trains I saw everyone trying to convince themselves that they were alright, happy, safe. But I saw through their deception. No truth.
In Churches and in Synagogues I listened to readings from dusty old books and I felt the disconnect between what was being read, and the person reading it. There was no truth there, no true Faith, only blind, wishful-thinking, and the wise child that I was wasn’t fooled.
(When I finally realized that my parents weren’t superheroes) I saw my Father struggling to balance his dignity with the daily grind of trying to become – what? A millionaire? A billionaire? And I failed to see the truth in that.
I saw my Mother’s sense of unfulfilled, unrealized potential, and the emptiness inside that she occasionally tried to fill with wine, chewing gum, or television, and I knew that she hadn’t found the truth that I was looking for.
So I spent many years knowing only what I didn’t want. I didn’t want my life to be a lie. I knew that with all my heart. I yearned for a not-lie. But I had no idea what that was. I had no idea what the truth looked like, or how it felt, or even if I would recognize it if it were right in front of me, with a big flashing neon sign:

Herein lies TRUTH.

Actually, I would have turned away. When you are so conditioned by delusion and hypocrisy… when all you have ever known is deception… when the fabric of your society is woven with pretense… then the truth is something to be feared!
I have another, earlier memory. Mr Morton may have been a rare example in my life of a good school teacher. He seemed very old to me then, with grey whiskers and a stooped gait, and when he sat at the front of the class he would interlock his fingers, rotating one thumb around the other in what seemed like a frantic attempt to slow down time… I had the sense that there was a great energy about to bubble up in him, about to boil over… and if he didn’t keep on twiddling his thumbs like that he wouldn’t be able to stop it.
One of my peers must have lied to him one day, because he exploded, whiskers shaking, mouth foaming, eyes bulging. When he’d finished there were some nervous  sniggers, but we all – each and every one of us in that room that day knew that we’d seen and heard Truth directly:
“When you start to tell lies you enter a very dangerous arena, a grey world where black and white blur into one, and right and wrong lose their meaning. And one day you will find yourself an altogether grey person, because you will have started to believe your own lies.”
We live in a grey world. Our society is very, very grey – phone hacking, money-makes-money banking, countries invaded under the guise of WMD that were never there. Soap operas and adverts and MTV and internet-filters and rigged elections and Arms Fairs and Oil dependency and Global Warming and… on and on. One scandal, one controversy after another.
This is what happens when spiritual practice is used as a vehicle for fame and fortune, when personal gain trumps respect for lineage, when the student proclaims himself teacher of teachers. (The link is to a post I wrote the other day about the corruption of Eastern spirituality by Western materialism, specifically – yoga teachers training more yoga teachers).
Does our society support a quest for freedom and truth, or does it encourage us to rejoice in the illusion of gossip and malicious rumor like pigs rolling in mud?
There is only one solution to the problem, and that is to stop relying on that society. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be part of it. You can still play the game – but by your own rules.
Be aware that Truth is the gateway to freedom. And don’t compromise in your search for, and expression of, that truth.
Not long ago a student asked me the secret to happiness. I answered:

“Never compromise”.

She was somewhat surprised, because let’s face it, most of us grew up being taught the opposite – that compromise is an integral part of happiness!
How many times were you told:
“’You can’t have it all’… ‘choose one or the other’… ‘dreams don’t come true’… ‘better the devil you know’…”
or variations of the above?
But I’m here to tell you differently: by all means, compromise with your partner over which movie you watch, or what you have for dinner; compromise with a colleague over how you go about completing a task. Compromise on the little things. Compromise your desires.
But when it comes to something big – love, work, your aspirations and dreams: don’t compromise – not one iota. Don’t take a single step off the path of meaningful, intentional life. Know what you want, and go for it, with 110% of your energy. And when something gets in the way, either jump over, or go around, or wait patiently until it moves away again, because it will move if your intention is strong.
Don’t lose sight of what is important to you – your values – and don’t compromise on them. If you do, the day will come when you look back on your life and see only a lies. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Mr Morton was right.
One lie leads to another. What starts out as a simple excuse for why you stay with the partner who doesn’t totally rock your world leads to a whole world-wide-web of self-deceit. That’s just the beginning, because next you have to convince the rest of the world about it too!
Before you know it, life is grey and foggy.
It takes a great deal of courage to be really honest with yourself. The very reason we deceive ourselves is because we’re afraid. So to be honest means to be doubly courageous – you have to have the cojonesto confront your fears, and to then carry on in spite of them. You have to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.
That might mean leaving a partner, or a job, or a home, or a college. It might mean coming out about your sexuality, or travelling the world, or learning a language, or whatever. These are big, scary things. But they are gateways – you can either go through that gateway to freedom, or you can stay hiding behind the door.
Hide behind that door and remain in a dark, shadowy, grey world where the search for love, peace, and freedom is utterly pointless. Death will come for you full of regrets.
But step through that door and be dazzled by full-spectrum multi-chromatic rainbow-colored Glory.
The choice is ours to make, and we are all making that choice, every moment of every day.

What do you choose?

If you’re feeling it, share it. ‘Like’ it up on FB, and leave a comment, please.

Why I don’t train Yoga teachers.

Swami Vishnu – he flew over war zones in this plane throwing flowers out the window. A true hero.
As a child my heroes were the khaki-clad men and women who gave their lives in WW2 (for a cause greater than themselves). I was completely in awe of anyone who put their own comfort and safety aside in order to ‘fight the good fight’. I believed there was no greater life to be lived.
Many years later I travelled to India for an intensive Yoga Teachers Training course. It was the most challenging thing I’d ever done – physically, emotionally, mentally, and above all, spiritually. I wrote about it here.

On that course, I found new heroes.

The ochre-clad men and women who gave their lives, day after day, for a cause greater than themselves.
The Swamis are the people we may thank for the access that we now enjoy to the ancient wisdom of Yoga. For thousands of years they have taken vows of brahmacharya – mastery of the senses, and renunciation of the fruits of the senses  – as they put their personal comfort and ego safety to one side in order to transform the world. There is no greater sacrifice.
Towards the end of my time in India I resolved that I would one day be a Swami. 5 years later I did indeed give away all my ‘stuff’: my old man got my ipod. My brother got my Raybans. A recent TTC graduate got my small yoga business including 20 yoga mats, my classes, students and mailing list… and with just a small bag of clothes I entered an Ashram and began training. Why am I not there today? The fist person I met in the Ashram that day was the beautiful Goddess who is now my wife. But that’s another story…
Altogether I taught Yoga full time for almost a decade.
I taught Yoga in exclusive hotels and gyms, hostels, schools, and festivals, to Hollywood celebrities and millionaires and old age pensioners. I once taught a guy who’d (to coin the wonderful Ram Dass expression) ‘been stroked’. The whole left side of his body was paralyzed. So in Sun Salutations he would grab his left leg with his right hand, and put it into position. It took a long time, but he did them, and he loved every minute of it. I’ve never met a more smiley and determined person in my life, and it was a great privilege teaching him. The classes he was in were some of the most memorable I’ve ever taught.
I must have taught many thousands of people during those 10 years.

I never had a single student get injured. Not one.

And my style of Asana teaching is dynamic and physical! So how is it that some people believe Yoga to be ‘dangerous’?! Many times over the years I’ve been asked this question:
“Why don’t you run your own Yoga Teacher Training Course?”
In our materialistic society it seems to be a real no-brainer! After all, that’s where the money is in Yoga! We all know that. So why not do it? I’ll tell you why:

I won’t pee in the well.

The well of pristine ancient wisdom kept by countless generations of Swamis.

Swami Sivananda – a Hero
Swami Vishnu-Devananda had a vision in meditation of the world in flames. It was that vision that led him to create the Sivananda Yoga Teachers Training Course (the oldest TTC in the West – around 15,000 graduates over 40 years). His main intention was not so much to create yoga teachers – rather, he intended to create world leaders with integrity. He wanted to create a generation of yogis who would be able to steer the world away from its current crisis with integrity, compassion, and service.
In India, before I realized I wanted to one day be a Swami, I knew without a doubt that I would try to honor Swami Vishnu’s intention – I would do my best to repay the debt I owed him.
So when I’m asked why I don’t run TTC’s what I say is this: there are places I can send my Yoga students to become Yoga teachers. Places run by people who are completely dedicated to doing just that. People who haven’t got kids, aren’t in relationships, and don’t go on vacation. They just train Yoga teachers. Day in, day out, all year round. Total heroes.
So how could I take it upon myself to train other people to be yoga teachers, when I know that I would be depriving them of the best training available? I would feel that I was cheating my students, and betraying the lineage that I am honored to be a tiny part of.
That lineage comes from a land whose entire culture is founded on spirituality.
Our entire culture is founded upon materialism.

Different worlds.

So I understand completely what has gone wrong – people who lack a profound understanding of the spiritual essence of Yoga are running TTC’s.
So the graduates of those TTC’s are even further removed from the lineage. The pond is polluted further and further.
No wonder there is endless controversy in the Yoga ‘blogosphere’. No wonder there are articles suggesting that Yoga may be dangerous. No wonder people really are injuring themselves!
I’ve seen many suggestions that the reason yoga has become dangerous is that not enough attention is paid to anatomy.
That’s a side issue. It’s also something that householder Yoga teachers who run TTC’s will say to justify what they do (“I teach good anatomy so that my student teachers are safe”). But in reality, to teach Yoga properly only a basic understanding of anatomy is required. You don’t need a degree in anatomy to teach yoga, because

Yoga is not gymnastics.

Yogasana is intended primarily to prepare the body to be comfortable sitting for meditation. If it’s taught as such, with emphasis on breath and inner awareness rather than physical ‘shape’ and external competition then it’s totally, 100% ‘safe’. Actually, it’s more than safe, it’s healing.
It is also, of course, a wonderful physical exercise – but that is a secondary benefit.

Yoga is a spiritual practice.

There are true heroes on this planet.
Find them.
Because the world  needs one more.
If you feel it, share it. Please leave a comment. Spread the love!

Low Self-esteem (and what to do about it)

“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your 
own being”

 ~ Hafiz


You may suspect that you have low self-esteem,

but you probably have no idea what to do about it!

Most articles about self-esteem talk about thinking positively, making affirmations, smiling a lot, etc. These things are just band-aids – they will only serve to suppress the truth about how you feel about yourself for a short time. I am not interested in band-aids. I am interested in prevention and cure…

In this post I’m going to tell you what self-esteem is really all about; how it is negatively affected; why I think it’s hugely important that we do do something about it – and what to do.
What is self-esteem?
(other than a term that is much used and little understood)
My definition of self-esteem is 5 words:
~ ‘how deeply you love yourself’ ~
So, how deeply do you love yourself?!
(Don’t worry, I’ll help you answer that question quite accurately in just a moment)…
I believe this is perhaps one of the most important questions you will ever ask, and here’s why:  the extent to which you love yourself dictates how successful you are in every area of your life – relationships, work, and health (emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health).
I have a nice way of answering the above question. It is called The Mirror Exercise*, and there are 3 simple steps:
1. Look yourself in the eye in a mirror.
2. Tell yourself sincerely: “I love you”.
3. See how it feels, and measure the feeling out of 10 (see below).
If your self-esteem is intact (if you do indeed love yourself deeply) then the exercise should be fun!
However, for most people there is at least some difficulty – as they say the words there is a feeling ofstress. This is because human beings are hardwired not to lie. So if you have low self-esteem (you don’t love yourself), telling yourself “I love you” feels like a lie – it feels stressful.
Lie detector machines (polygraph machines) work by detecting the biological symptoms of stress. But you don’t need a polygraph machine – you know when you are lying, because you feel the stress. That’s why this exercise is really quite an accurate (although not scientific) indication of how high your self-esteem is.
So the mirror exercise is to do the above 3 steps. The final step, measuring the feeling of stress on a scale of 0 – 10, works like this:
10/10 stress: as you say the words you probably feel quite uncomfortable, and you just don’t believe it at all. This means that you have very low self-esteem.
0/10 stress: no stress, therefore high self esteem.
Go ahead and do it now..
~ (I’ll wait right here) ~ 
So, if you just did the exercise, you probably felt at least a little discomfort or stress as you said those 3 words. Here’s why:
We should love ourselves completely. Human beings are Loving beings. The essence of the human experience is love itself. Your essence is love.
In Yogic terms this is known as Satchitananda: pure existence, pure consciousness, pure bliss. In a word – love.
But almost all of us suffer the consequences of unresolved trauma – usually much more than we realize.
Childhood trauma…
Birth trauma…
Trauma experienced by our Mother whilst we were ‘in utero’…
Not to mention ancestral trauma: the emerging branch of science called Epigenetics has demonstrated conclusively that trauma from the lives of our ancestors – especially trauma from the time when our egg was created in the ovary of our Mother (when she was a fetus in the uterus of her Mother*) – directly impacts on our life, even our genetic predispositions and biological constitution!
The kind of trauma that affects self-esteem the most is abuse trauma. And if you think that abuse is probably something that happens to a minority of those ‘other’ people, think again! There are perhaps as many as 99 different kinds of abuse, ranging from the more obvious (sexual) to the very subtle (emotional neglect). And abuse (defined here as a violation of one’s boundaries) is entirely subjective…
Some of the consequences of abuse are that we feel guilty, ashamed, and responsible for what happened. Essentially, we feel that there is something wrong with us – and if there is something wrong with us, we have a very good reason to love ourselves less, right?
Our self-esteem suffers.
My theory is that abuse trauma is the cause of most of mankind’s problems. Not long after establishing this theory, something happened that blew my mind. I was sitting at my desk, thinking and writing about this theory when someone sent me a link to a book:
“The Origins of War in Child Abuse”
 by Lloyd Demause.
So I realized that other people were also coming to the very same conclusions as I was. And I don’t believe in ‘co-incidence’.
The purpose of this post is not to explain the mechanism of trauma and abuse in detail. If you’re interested to know more about that check back later, because I’ll be posting articles about it soon. Right now though I want to stay focused on self-esteem. And what I want to communicate is this:
1. Most people don’t love themselves nearly enough.
2. This low self-esteem causes many, many problems, both on the personal level, and globally (think war, corruption, and environmental destruction).
3. It’s not so hard to fix the problem on the personal level (thus directly and powerfully influencing the global).
When is your self-esteem determined?
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” ~ Oscar Wilde
If you go through a painful divorce after 20 years of marriage, can that affect your self-esteem? I don’t think so: I think that the experience will simply expose your underlying low self-esteem (that was always there even while you were married). I believe that our self-esteem is set in childhood, perhaps up until the age of around 21 years old. Early trauma (at birth and pre-school) is probably the most impactful on how much we love ourselves.
However, another theory (which does not necessarily negate the childhood theory, but may just be another perspective on it) is that we inherit our self-esteem. After all, the trauma that we experience in our lifetime is usually  an echo of similar trauma that our ancestors experienced. So it could be that we inherit poor self-esteem, and then attract experiences that reinforce it (such as divorce), and perpetuate the pattern.
Either way, it does not really matter. Two things are important in this – being able to recognize the effect of the trauma (as opposed to the actual trauma itself, which is far less relevant), and being able to heal those consequences.
With modern healing techniques like Reference Point Therapy, which are simple, fast, and highly effective, we are able to pinpoint the exact consequence of the trauma (which is usually a subconscious association between one of our survival instincts, and safety), and heal it (release the subconscious association).
The effect of this kind of healing is a subtle change in all aspects of one’s life. Relationships, feelings, emotional reactions, and even the physical structure of the body (posture, lung capacity, etc) are transformed.
And the beautiful thing is that the change is not a particular change, but a wave of change – it is an ongoing process, namely, of us coming back to our true selves: love.
The analogy I use is this: if you have walked for a long time with a stone in your shoe, it will eventually affect every area of your life – your posture, your emotions, your deeper feelings, your sense of self-identity (ego), even the expression on your face!
But when you remove the stone, all of these changes do not instantly disappear – it takes time for each aspect of you to settle back to normal, and even the expression on your face will gradually, over time, relax.
Similarly, when releasing subconscious blockages, the effects may be felt instantly, but are always ongoing…
How do you raise your self-esteem?
“You can’t build joy on a feeling of self-loathing.” ~ Ram Dass
As with anything else, you solve a problem permanently only by changing what caused the problem.
In this case, low self-esteem is caused by the consequences of unresolved trauma. When you heal the trauma, you instantly begin to love yourself more.
I wish I could tell you in a short blog post how to heal trauma yourself, but it’s not quite as simple as that – it takes a number of days of intensive training to be able to safely find the blockages, identify their roots, and heal them. It’s quite simple really – you don’t need a degree, but you do need proper training.
I hope though that this post sheds some light on something that I believe to be the key to a more sustainable, compassionate, and peaceful human society: how much we love ourselves as individuals.
Participate in a simple social experiment?
“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ~ Joseph Campbell
I would like to propose what could be a useful social experiment: when you do the mirror exercise post the ‘score’ (out of 10) as a comment below (along with the feelings that came up too, if you like). It only takes a moment to do this, and may be done anonymously, and if this article gets 1000 reads, and 5% of people participate that’s 50 people – a reasonable number of results to compare and analyze . The results will either support or undermine my theory that most of us suffer from low self-esteem, and either way, it’ll be interesting! If you also write a little about what feelings came up as you did the exercise, I will do my best to answer your comment in a helpful way.
And share it up folks – spread the love, as always. Thank you!
* Biology lesson: a woman’s eggs are all produced long before she is born. They are formed in the ovaries at around the time of 3 months gestation in the womb of her own mother.
Bonus: click here for a fascinating and entertaining documentary about epigenetics.
I believe I first discovered The Mirror Exercise in a book, but I have no recollection of which book. So please, if you have ever come across this technique before, let me know so that I can properly give credit to it’s creator? Thank you! (edit: I’ve been told that it may have been Louise L. Hay)

Newspaper interview re: RPT

I was interviewed recently about Reference Point Therapy for a national newspaper. The journalist asked some excellent questions, so I decided to write up the transcript of the interview for a blog post.
Here it is:

–       RPT is the fastest and most efficient method in the world for healing trauma. On what is it based?
It is based on two things – the science of epigenetics (which has proven that ancestral trauma directly affects our own life), and the ancient wisdom of many spiritual traditions, which assert that the essence of the human being is pure consciousness.
–       What kind of traumas can be healed in this way? Is this specific traumas – like car accidents or death – or can there also be subconscious traumas that block the individuals development.
Well, so far it seems that any kind of trauma may be healed with this method. The only kind of trauma that we have no experience trying to heal yet is the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of soldiers returning from combat (we simply didn’t have the opportunity to work on this yet). But car accidents, grief, serious abuse trauma (sexual, physical, emotional, etc), childhood abandonment and neglect… I have not come across any kind of trauma yet that was not healed with this method. And yes, subconscious traumas do block our development, and it is the very purpose of RPT to unblock our development!
–       Do you perhaps know the answer to the question “ why some people are more prone to accidents / bad things happening to them”. Is this perhaps to do with subconscious blockages, energy which attracts these things?
As a matter of fact, I do! The human being is made up of energy (consciousness). When we experience our highest potential (pure consciousness), we vibrate energetically in ‘tune’ with the world around us. But when our experience is blocked by the effects of unresolved trauma, we vibrate at a much lower level – and there is no ‘flow’. Being ‘in the zone’ is a well known expression – some people live in the zone. Others experience is fleetingly, but we all understand that it is possible. Ultimately, the extent to which we are able to live in the zone is the extent to which we have resolved our trauma. So yes, it is very much to do with subconscious blockages that attract ‘negative’ experiences. Although life is messy, and there will always be experiences that we would choose not to have – but a person who has a high level of consciousness will cope much better than someone who has many unresolved issues.
–       How does the session look? How long is it on average? How is it different from other therapies, which are recommendable for eliminating traumatic events, (for example classical psychotherapy).
The session is entirely talk-based. On average it is 90 minutes, but this depends on the therapist. It is most notably different from other types of trauma therapy in that the actual trauma (what happened) is not ‘relived’. The therapist only needs to know that something happened (trauma). The nature of the trauma is irrelevant – because actually, we cannot heal the trauma itself (we cannot make it go away – because it happened, and we can’t change that!). What we can change is how it makes us feel now (the consequences of the trauma). Another notable difference is that unlike many other methods that take a long time to heal trauma (for example classical psychotherapy), RPT is very fast. Trauma can often be healed permanently in just one session – this is because we get right to the cause of the problem. And the cause of the problem, in case you are wondering, is survival instincts.
–       People often are not aware how traumas from the past define us. And they can’t even put them into words. In what way does the therapist pull out trauma from a client which he isn’t even aware of.
First of all, part of the training of an RPT therapist is in the development of intuition. So in the rare case that a client really has no idea what causes their problem, I am always able to tell them! However, I find that almost every client knows just as much as they need to know in order to heal themselves (with my help). If something is forgotten, it is because it is no longer needed. And RPT gives us the precise tools to be able to access exactly what we need to access in order to heal our problems and raise our consciousness.
–       Can you perhaps give an example of the positive effects of the therapy (of course without names) or maybe in general. How does the person who came to the session with deep trauma feel when it’s no longer there. How perhaps does his thinking change, and his behavior?
One client had a 20-year history of clinical depression, and had attempted suicide. When she came to me she had tried countless different types of medical and alternative healing / therapy, including pharmaceutical drugs. Nothing helped. After one session she was healed (the cause had been childhood abuse trauma), and when I saw her again 18 months later (recently) she remains free of depression. I also found out that she had been diagnosed (18 months ago) with a serious thyroid problem that required surgery. After our session, her thyroid was also healed, and remains so to this day, as evidenced by regular medical check-ups. This is just one example of many such ‘miraculous’ cases. It seems miraculous on the surface, but actually, when you understand that trauma is responsible for most of our problems, it is no miracle at all!
How does the person feel after healing – lighter, less burdened. The feeling is usually subtle (no fireworks or hysteria!), but there is a definite transformation. They will notice that the change is apparent in every area of their life: relationships, self-esteem, clarity of thought, emotional reactions… because what has changed is the person themself. They are more themself now. So everything changes, in a subtle, but powerful and positive way – and most importantly, the change is permanent.
–       Some people, on certain points of their lives, can no longer go on. They are controlled by fears, for which they don’t have a reasonable explanation. Can these blockages have as their source, unconscious trauma.
Almost all subconscious blockages are caused by the effects of unresolved trauma.
–       The therapy is based on the science of consciousness. Does it work in spite of the fact that the client does not believe in it.
It is not necessary to believe anything for RPT to work! Any therapy that requires belief on the part of the client in order to be successful relies on the placebo effect. RPT recognizes the placebo effect, and is far more successful than placebo based therapies. One of the reasons for this is that with RPT we also recognize that a person can only heal a problem when they take responsibility for it – in fact, taking responsibility is the first step (and the hardest). So taking responsibility is what is necessary, and actually, it is the opposite of belief!
–       Can we help ourselves with this therapy also with physical problems.
Yes, because the physical body is also an expression (albeit, a material expression) of consciousness. Problems that manifest in the body are almost always first experienced on the mental and emotional level, but we suppress them. The body then has no choice but to show symptoms on the physical level. All aspects of us are made up of consciousness, and when we heal the subconscious blockage, all aspects of us are healed – mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual.
–       In what way can we use the method in our profession and maybe also in general in more positive way of living or acting?
This is a very good question. Really, you are asking whether this technique is only for people with ‘problems’, and the answer is emphatically ‘no’! Despite enjoying wonderful physical, emotional, and mental health, I continue to practice this method on myself. Why? Because as we raise our consciousness by becoming more aware, and by releasing our fears, we enjoy greater levels of joy, inner peace, and abundance. For me, RPT is much more than a therapy. It is a unique method of personal development and spiritual growth.

Funny ‘2 Cows’ thing.

This popped up in my Facebook ‘newsfeed’. It’s from the page of one K.C.Locke, who got it from a Matt McNeil. Neither of whom are my ‘Facebook friends’. So I have no idea how or why it came to my attention…
I have no idea how Facebook works, and I’m very happy for that. Social Media is insidious and dangerous, and yes, I know, it’s also great in many ways too, but I’m happy I’m not a Social Media expert. Or maybe it would be better if I was. I. don’t. know.

Anyway, this is hilarious, and I hope it makes you laugh out loud (LOL) as I did.


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.